Worrying.

About everything.

So much of my work relies on the attention of other people – algorithms are god in this creative climate and it can drive a person off the deep end looking at analytics too often. I used to find myself wondering if it’s even worth it to make audios when there are so many of us repeating the same scenarios, tropes, and occasionally even dialogue. I fell into the trap of watching everyone else around me and worrying about how to replicate a version of their success.

In my Reddit days if I had an audio with a thousand upvotes followed by an audio with 30 I felt like a failure. In my early YouTube days I would refresh my stats obsessively and compare myself to others. My confidence was coming from the wrong place – I was worrying too much about how people perceived me. I didn’t know how to draw boundaries or lines between my offline life and my online persona.

Most of my life has been about making other people feel good. I was raised in a single parent household – my parents divorced when I was still in single digits and my mom relied heavily on me to help raise my sister. I learned how to anticipate everyone’s needs and adjust my behavior accordingly. My job for much of my childhood was to make things easier on the people around me.

When I started dating I would worry constantly about my boyfriend – something he very much took advantage of. When he began abusing me I worried what people would think of me and that was part of what compelled me to stay for so long. When my nephew was born I worried something terrible would happen to him and would wake up crying from nightmares about never seeing him again.

I had to go to therapy to learn it’s ok to worry about myself first. It’s not selfish to look out for your own needs, whether it’s work- or life-related. I (mostly) no longer worry about how I’m perceived. With work, I post what I like and if it does well, awesome. If it doesn’t, that’s ok – I get the most pleasure from the act of creating and anything extra is nice but not necessary. With life, I show up as I am and respectfully voice my feelings and opinions and if folks don’t like it that’s all right with me. Someone’s treatment of me is a reflection of who they are and has nothing to do with who I am.

I used to make audios to make other people feel good. Now I make them to make myself AND other people feel good. I used to center my life around everyone else’s needs, and now I center my own. I still worry, and it still sucks, but I’m better equipped to manage my stress these days.

And if all else fails I take an edible and write.